Jeff Simon

About

Jeff "The Simonator" Simon is a Math teacher at Sage Creek beginning in the 2013-2014 school year.

He is one of the only remaining staff that has worked at Sage Creek since the beginning.

He is known for his math jokes and spontaneous disco parties (he has a disco ball in his classroom).

He is also known for the disturbance he causes his neighboring classrooms via his possession of an external subwoofer, through which he plays music while students are "working".

Quotes:

"I don't do math. I hate math."

"In ninth grade, I had this bully. He was really big, and he packed a gun. ... No, I never beat him. He got kicked out of school. For having the gun."

"I should be an announcer... at SeaWorld. And here comes Corky, our bottlenose porpoise! Come on out, Corky!"

"It is a pentagonal roll of cookie dough."

"If you reorder the numbers, it spells, like 'pima'."

"...in the hallways. Oh wait, we don't have hallways. Frighteningly high walkways."

"The gazebo is a highly threatened species of deer in sub-Saharan tropical Africa."

"If someone gives me a donut right now, I'll cancel the test. *thud* This is a Kit-Kat!"

"It's -9 minus ginormica, I'm not doing that, it's gonna be negative."

"My left hand has failed me."

"I was thinking about saying that we're gonna take this quiz tomorrow, but I don't feel like giving CPR today."

"It was like the unrated version of Sesame Street."

"...my glorious, flowing, radiant hair."

"Um. Um. Iron Man is my homeboy."

"Smoking apple sticks is harmful to your health."

"Children, your mission is to go around, find all the bird-feeder-squirrel-barrier... things... in the world... AND DESTROY THEM. Even if some guy comes out with a shotgun, just be like *sound effects*"

"...so they had to tie me to a tree. True story."

"It's an Egyptian thing. Sun-Ra... phoenix feather. Werp! Werp!"

"Whoa, that's cool. I HOLD THE POWER! MWAHAHAHAHA! Back to Avengers again."

"You will find out what the sin, cos, and tan buttons do. I know your lives have been empty without them."

"We had to do proofs, we had to throw up, we had to do more proofs..."

"Don't forget to turn in your permission slips for our field trip next week to a black hole near you."

"If you're Mexican you can write it this way [SAA]. You know, ESE! It's not racist, just edgy."

"Today you live."

"For the record, chickens do not eat baby rats."

"I thought they were being cool. A parkin' space. Yo."

"I used to be like you. Then I turned to the dark side. A math teacher with bad jokes."

"I had a student with one arm. When everyone was doing their work I would say, 'Does anyone need a hand?'"

"There's a black man with a clinometer. I want him in my presentation."

"I don't see you with Sage Creek Bobcats in your hair."

"You are the finest failing geometry students I have ever met."

"Don't set alarms on the iPads, because I will find you and I will destroy you."

"You're gonna go up, and then you're gonna go down, and then 'BLAAAAH!' and then we're gonna take a picture of you and put it in the time safe thing that we're gonna-- YO SKATER!"

"The radius, drawn really ugly-ly."

"URF."

"This little rocket ship thing, you're all PTHPTHPTHPTH."

"Obviously, today is Make your own Pendulum Trippy Thingamabobber Day."

"Wot is up mah mateys!"

"This is like an MTV special. Loci: Unplunged. Eh? Eh?"

"H is for horizontal, K is for k'vertical."

"In this table, everything is bass ackwards."

"We're going to McDonald's after this, 'cause I'm lovin' it! Da da da da da!"

"...with a big... mouth, if you didn't notice. No, seriously, I can open my mouth really big."

"I'm still just a 9th grader, trapped in the body of a bald-headed 40-year-old man."

"You guys better have your homework out because I’m coming around like a witch on a broomstick! *witch laugh*"

"We don't have time for what I'm about to tell you, but I'm gonna tell you anyways!"

"Great... Now my hair is all messed up."

"Ugh! I hate 15' great white sharks. Ugh! Punch it in the nose! Or the eyes... or the gills!"

"Crisco is fat basically. It's like lard... Use something else if it's not your thing."

"I am one man! Bald and powerful!"

"Liberty and justice, for all y'all."

"No. (That's Spanish for no.)"

"And if you flip [the parabola], it looks like Accelerator from Knott's Berry Farm."

"Darn! FOILed again!"

"Don't do homework from last trimester, because if you do, I'm going to laugh at you and give you a zero... at the same time!"

"Beans of coolness right there. Like refrigerated edamame."

"If your name is Ryan Nemiroff, you'll have to memorize e to at least the 12th digit."

"Mr. Simon: We have 2 Sean Parks in this class. Sean (Middle name) park and Sean.... what's your middle name, other Sean? Other Sean: Uh, it's Korean, I keep it private Mr. Simon: Sean Korean Park."

"Jadies and lentil-men!"

"Oh, you'll do fine on the final. That's why it's called the FINE-L."

"If you ever get confused, just play some mariachi music and you'll be okay."

"[Indian call center accent] Children! It is becoming time to leave the classroom!"

"Don't go to school, kids. Drop out and run. Let's just say it's a lot better to be on this side of that desk."

"Any other questions? MOOOOOOO! ...ving on."

"Hoy, en Mat-Metropolí... I'm making a Spanish soap opera. Telenovela. About math class in Carlsbad. You're all in it. And you [Kevin Cooke] play a girl."

"It's not 'FIVE!!!,' it's 'five factorial.'"

"Art art math art art. Art art fart fart cart lart."

"Beatin' a dead horse here. But it's dead, so why not? Like, take your aggression out. It can't feel anything, it's dead. Just a big ol' undulating gut."

"Are you with me? Because if you're not with me, you're against me. And if you're against me, I have to kill you."

"Ooh, shiver me timbers, I have to take a quiz!"

"Anyways, I'm not evil. No. Just bald."

"Nail salon workers of the world, unite!"

"I'm serious. Frickin' serious. You find some of the happiest people in the world in the strangest places."